Hey I felt that I need to share something I wrote not to long ago it's so nice to find ppl that have been thru similar this.

Suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges do not define me. The ups and downs of my recovery do not define me. The worry that I’m disappointing my family does not define me.

Your life might just change when you realize you could turn your worst mistakes into your greatest accomplishments.

I'm a woman, a daughter, a sister. I'm a real person and here is my story.

I was born in the 90s 1994 to be exact I had loving parents a pretty good childhood until I started school I wasn't exactly the perfect student I got bullied because of my anger issues my classmates would say stuff to get me mad so I would fight people

When I realize what happen I became very depressed I felt dirty

This is when it all started, I hated myself I started self-harming to numb the pain I felt in side.

But one day I found a way to escape these feeling.

Ever since I was young, I was fascinated by the camera. My eyes would light up when I saw the device, interested in how one button made it work. I remember holding it in my hands and looking at the shutter open and close and staring at my reflection in the lens. The camera was so small, but it held the world inside of it. The moments it captured were everlasting, permanently retained for the rest of time.

Losing my dad when I was in the 11th grade was detrimental to me. Somewhere inside of me felt uneasy with the change. Me, being the anxious and overly conscientious person I am, I feared of losing every experience I had and saw the camera as a way to keep them.

For years the camera went everywhere with me. 
Then I started to wonder what else I could do with the camera. What were the boundaries I could push it to? This resulted in some great photos, However, this want for more pictures, more memories, and more ideas to be represented through an art form began my obsession and passion for photography.

Throughout my early twenties, I experimented with the basics: of photography. I got my first DSLR and I carried that camera with me everywhere I went and it became a known staple for me. Photography was my place to go when I felt as though I needed to get away. It fed my wanderlust and gave me a reason to keep exploring. You know taking pictures is just like telling a story in a blink of a eye a flash then it's gone. 

People often say to me your camera is just a piece of plastic but to me my camera is the world it's not just a box constructed of plastic full of electronics metals and glass it's not just a box with buttons dials and switches.

Rather I see the camera as a Escape a way to see the world you see if it wasn't for the camera I wouldn't be able to see the things I see I would never think to go to the places I go or to get up at 4 in the morning to see the sunrise. 

Life is not all roses, but it gives us values after some time of me putting my camera down and picking it back up due to struggling with the up and Downs caused by being bipolar also the crippling effects of anxiety.

I don't hate having a mental illness it has helped me as a artist but man sometimes I wonder when I'll ever catch a break I mean in my darkest of days walking through the Valley of the shadow of death I have found beauty it has took an ICU bed to make me feel alive I mean man I just opened my eyes one day and knew that life was beautiful I realized I needed to change when I would wake up wondering if we were going to have a great day or if today was going to be the day I feared the worst 

Recovery isn’t always linear, and it does not have an expiration date. My hard work, my creativity, my love of photography and art, my poetry: these things help make me who I am. My journey with mental illness has been exhausting. Trying to find the right “medication cocktail,” to speak up ; trying to find the right diagnosis; trying to find a balance between meds and therapy. Life changes I can make, thinking patterns to adjust, skills to use…

At times, I’ve found myself wanting to give up.

I’ve gone through periods where my mental illness seems to back off and lets me live my life. Times when I’ve been able to hold a job longer than a few weeks, times when I’ve felt happy or content for the majority of my days, and, times when those around me think I’m “better” and their expectations of me rise higher and higher. With those expectations, suddenly people think I can and should be able to handle it all to accomplish goals that they think should take priority in my life.

Those expectations, when I’m unable to reach them, make me feel like a failure. I don’t understand why my ever-present accomplishment, simply to stay safe and alive, isn’t enough for everyone else.

I have tried to kill myself numerus of time each attempt has led to opening my eyes wider and wider that life is beautiful and that I was meant to be on this earth for what I'm not sure time will tell and until then I'll be smiling and living life to the fullest.

I’ve taken myself to the hospital many of times over the years I consider those times successes in their own way because I did what I needed to do to keep myself safe. I’ve made good friends and am trying to be more social.

And yet, occasionally, the suicidal thoughts and impulses return. I don’t want to die. I know I don’t. Yet sometimes impulses related to suicide jump to the forefront of my brain. Urges to self-harm resurface. In the midst of all this—of struggling and feeling like I’m drowning or stuck in moments where my brain lies to me and tells me suicide is the only way out

I've been homeless but instead of calling it a failure I look at it as a success because it has made me a stronger person.

My life changed one February day I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer it took my breath away and changed my life forever change the way I look at life.

I think knowing your struggles and were you have been is important because it is shaping your future I never used to think I was beautiful until I lost my hair and I saw myself in a hole different light I don't like to take things for granted and I love that God has given me this gift to see his wonderful creation and being able to capture the things that people may not be able to see but I get to be able to see because he puts it in front of me. And I’ll put it simply: I love photography. I love the power the camera has. It is like the missing puzzle piece for this day and age.

Beauty is in the eye of be holder 

I have learned a lot it's not my job to blame anyone I have to accept the path I was given and turn that into my success and it's OK to stop and rest it's OK to say you need a break life is not a race 

A quote that I like

When it's too hard to look up to see the stars I hope you noticed the beauty right here where you are I hope you notice the flowers at your feet"

I also tell people 

Don't live only in your head it's lonely and dangerous when people don't express themselves they die one piece at a time it's not to late you are not alone keep dreaming your dreams and know your life matters my life matters we all matter 

We are a shadow in the world we never know when we're going to inspire somebody with our story so keep looking up to the stars keep seeing the beauty at your feet keep smelling the flowers and keep pushing on you never know when your struggles will turn into your greatest accomplishments and your greatest accomplishments will inspire somebody to keep pushing through to find their greatest accomplishments

I don’t know where my journey will take me or where I'll end up, but I know my camera will be in my hand the whole time, documenting the experience as I go